To my beautiful George,

I can't stop thinking about you tonight without tears rolling down my face.
I think about that last time I saw you awake and how I told you everything was ok, I can still see your little face so afraid and all you wanted was for me to help you, I'm so sorry George I wish I could of just picked you up and taken you away from all that, I wish I could of given you one last cuddle more than anything. I'm sorry I lied to you, I thought you would be ok and I can't stop thinking of you in that moment.
I think about the last time I spoke to you while you were alive, I really hope you heard me, I remember singing to you and I think of you every single time I hear twinkle twinkle because that was what I sang to you and you are now my diamond in the sky forever. I really hope you heard me and I hope I gave you comfort knowing I never left your side, I was right there George and I wanted more than anything to take your place on that bed. I never left you and I never will I promise you little man you are always with me wherever I go. I'm sorry we couldn't go on and do all the things I promised you, I'm sorry you never got to grow up, I wish more than anything you were here with me now, I miss you so much.
I hope you didn't suffer and I hope you left this world peacefully knowing how much you were loved by everyone. I wonder what you thought of in your last moments, it breaks my heart that it was wanting me. I hope you didn't want anything and I hope you are happy where you are and that you know I will be with you soon. I'm not afraid to die George because I know you will be there waiting for me when the time comes. 
I find it harder some days like today looking back as if it was yesterday, I hate the fact we had to leave you and I hate that I couldn't cuddle you or stay with you. I hate that you had no clean nappy or clothes for days, I hate that I don't know where they kept you or if they looked after you properly. I hate that you weren't with your mummy where you were supposed to be, I hate that we weren't swimming in the sunshine or laughing on the beach, I hate that we had to leave you in that foreign country and I hate that we were kept so far apart. I feel so angry about so many things and you being taken from me is the hardest. 
There is no better place for you than with me which is why il never understand why you were taken so soon all I can ever hope is that you are happy wheee you are and that we will be together again before you realise we were ever apart.
I try so hard to remember you as you were George and me and Henry love to watch your videos. I hope you are watching over us and I hope you see how much we love you and think about you every day. You are such a special little boy and I wish I could of shown you that more when you were here. I will love you until the stars vanish from the sky and I will never stop thinking of you and that beautiful face. I hope I make you proud and I hope you are at peace my beautiful Angel.
love you always and forever,
all my biggest cuddles and kisses mummy xxxx