As your birthday and Christmas creep ever near we dread December knowing that a time that should be so happy and enjoyable will now be a time to cry and think of all the things you should be doing and all the fun we could have had together. We keep talking about all the mischief you would be getting up to here with us and wondering if you'd have taken your first steps yet. We don't feel like celebrating Christmas without our special little man here with us and I think things will only get worse before they get better because we miss you so much. We try to keep busy and strong because we know that's what you would want but we can't help feeling guilty for trying to enjoy ourselves when we don't have you to enjoy things with us. I keep looking at your photos and videos every single night because I don't want to forget a single thing about your little face or the sound of your beautiful giggle. It breaks my heart every time I think about what you would have grown up to look like or what kind of a man you would of become. I was so looking forward to being able to have full conversations with you and letting you creep into our bed in the night, seeing you excited on Christmas mornings and waving you proudly into school on your first day. I knew you were going to be a heartbreaker with all the girls but I never expected you to break my heart little man. Daddy dreamt last night that you were lost and asked him where to go, he told you to climb the stairs and that by the time you reached the top mummy and daddy would already be there waiting for you. He said he watched you set off on your merry way the way you always used to do at home. My favourite memory is watching you climbing those stairs with the biggest grin on your face, I think it was your favourite thing to do :-) It upsets me to think that the few memories, photos and videos of you are all I will ever have now for the rest of my life and that I will grow old forever looking at you as a baby rather than growing into a man. I often feel like I can't carry on without you but daddy, nanna, grandad and all our friends and family are keeping me strong. I will never ever for one second forget the impact you have had on my life and the mummy you made me into, I am and always will be the proudest mummy in the world to have you as my little boy. As everyone keeps telling me you were the most beautiful and happiest baby they'd ever seen and I really can't believe you were made by me, I believe you really were a real life angel sent from God on loan to us just for a little while and I am forever grateful for that. We are all keeping strong for you and trying our best to get through every day, we know that we will be happy again one day because you will be watching and guiding us until we can cuddle and kiss you again in heaven. All our unconditional and never ending love Mummy and Daddy xxxx